The Barrier That Holds...

For the moment, I am unstoppable machine of ideas and stories. I find myself thinking up more than one story idea at a time, and have actually been able to write up to three at the same time. My creative multitasking is far beyond my own comprehension and my memory for dreams, stories, concepts and entire worlds is without fault.

My flaw is only I am holding myself back.

I have a few contacts now that I didn't have before, and when asked if I had gone to the GDC I replied I couldn't afford it, with time and or money. Really, this is half true. I am still paying off school as well as a few other things since I originally wanted to go five years ago... but after thinking about it, I was afraid I'd get a job somewhere other than Canada. Strange, I want to travel the world, but not leave Canada, strange paradox hmm?

I've aged a considerable amount in a short span of time. I've been mature since grade seven, too serious for my own good half the time and always, no matter what I'm doing, find myself in positions of responsibility or being depended on. I don't mind responsibility, but with responsibility comes many other things mostly dependant on where you work. At EB Games for example, work consistantly followed me home. This is one reason I have aged personally. I became frustrated that no matter how many hours I put in, what I accomplished during the day, it was never good enough and I still got calls and emails at home. Ironically I would still one day love to make my cafe, Delta Geeks, where anyone can go and meet other gamers.

I found myself standing in a Coles Bookstore reading a description of who you are if you were born on May fourth. Normally I pass by astrology books without tossing a second glance, yet this tome of descriptions piqued my interests. It was a two page spread for every single day, and when I arrived at my birthdate I was shocked approximately two sentences in. Could this be a coincidence? It had pegged me down to the last detail, almost insultingly so, even saying people born on this day live their lives for others and lose track of themselves in the times leading to unfulfilling lives. Well then. I thought a moment and strangely it sparked a lot of thoughts in the rest of my brain. Normally I imagine things, overactively so, if I am bored or just alone in public. Not the crazy imagining, but things that would be much more interesting than the drab existance here in Halifax. Like for instance, a day after I was nose deep in Oblivion... I was sitting in traffic imagining the opening of an Oblivion gate in the nearby baseball field. *Sigh*

The truth of the matter is I could have gone, just as I could have gone to Edmonton when my best friend left for school after graduation five years ago. I hold myself back, sacfricing what I want for what I think others want. Do I have regrets? ... ... ...Yes. For the first time in many years I have bought more games than I've played, written far less than I've imagined and sacrificed more than I am willing to list. Where am I now? I sit here, in Halifax, preparing the journey to Edmonton in hopes of landing a job at Bioware. What if I'm not their kind of employee? What then? I've limited myself again to where I can go. My wife wishes to go to school in Calgary, so unless I start a business in game creation there, at the very least I'll be in Edmonton... or worse have no idea where I'm going.

Many people scrutinize the fact that I am looking so far ahead that I can see the past. Perhaps this is so. I find myself losing who I am at every turn, every job, every sacrifice. Where am I supposed to be? My entire person wants to make games, creative worlds, stories to which are so uniquely told that the world might not even be ready. What then? What if my grandest of game ideas turns out to be taken terribly? The only game concept drastically different from all other games to date, something that could easily change RPG gaming as it is known today, what if it is only great in my world? Perhaps I think too much, hold back too easily, bite my tongue where I should say the things I mean to say. Perhaps I think far too much where I should act, instead of losing this time. Sorry to bust out the philosophy but the closer I get to my departure from Halifax, the more I reflect on my life here.

More to come.